Every Woman Needs a Friend Who Would Help Her Bury a Body
And no, for the love of God, it cannot be your romantic partner.
On June 8, 2023, I texted my friend S. the following message: “So, this is probably odd, but I think every woman should have a friend she can call if she kills someone and needs to bury a body. You would be that friend for me. No murder plans right now, but FYI in case things ever get dicey lol.”
Being friends with me is amazing. Imagine the text messages you could receive as part of the inner circle! S., who is fully familiar with my particular brand of crazy, responded in kind. “😂I would 💯help you bury a body.” She followed that message up with this gem: “Hopefully you don’t all act at the same time. I think I’m up to three at this point 😂”
I told S. that this was the burden a woman must bear when she’s good with details and her freaking out is imperceptible to the outside world. To help someone bury a body, you have to stay calm, act quickly and repress that shit until you die.
I, for example, would never trust my sister with this task because she would be an absolute mess the entire time and then probably “have to” tell someone before the body was even cold (Sorry, K., but you know this harshness is true).
My wonderful friend J. is not an option either because while I trust her with my life and could count on her to keep my true-crime secret, she’s not the best at quick, in-the-moment decisions (Note: I’m not being rude. J. will tell you this about herself. She’s a Libra). For this job, I’d need a robot, and S. has often referred to herself as one. Self-awareness is key in this line of work!
By now, you probably have some questions like: Why do women need this type of friend? Do men also need this type of friend? Why can’t it be your romantic partner? How do I go about confirming that I have a friend like this? What is the proper etiquette for proposing this type of relationship to my potential bury-a-body friend? All great queries. So glad you asked. Let’s tackle them in turn.
1. Why do women need this type of friend? Do men also need this type of friend?
If the idea that every woman needs a friend who would help her bury a body sounds a bit outlandish, consider that men and women approach friendship in wildly different ways. Women tend to seek out intimate emotional connections. Men typically to thrive in surface-level interactions that are highly transactional. Women want to have real conversations with their friends, and unlike many men, they want to go deep. And what could be deeper than six feet under? A life-long bond is created when two people share a take-it-to-your-grave-level secret.
Women need this type of friend because it’s the gold standard of friendship. There are few things more intimate than opening up to someone about a murder you committed, only to have them react without judgment, arrive at your location with a super-sized box of garbage bags, expertly mix a solution containing the proper concentration of sodium percarbonate, and come prepared to discuss the merits of various dump sites.
Now, don’t let the description of male friendships as “transactional” fool you into thinking men also need a bury-a-body friend. This designation is a red herring. The experts at Psychology Today are referring to men that consider an annual poker game the height of friendship. These are not the bros who are going to want to hear all the (incriminating) details about how and why you committed a crime that could net you 25-to-life in a maximum security prison.
Friendship styles aside, men murder people more often than women. When they do kill someone, they seem to kill each other, as men also get murdered more often than women. So, they have a lot of practice. Given that men prefer to share their deep dark secrets with therapists, strangers and acquaintances (?!), rather than with their own damn friends, they tend to take things like murder clean-ups into their own hands. And let’s be honest. They are killing it on this front. I think this Florida man who strangled his father, tied his dead body to a grill and pushed him off a pontoon boat exemplifies this point perfectly. Keep up the good work, guys!
2. Why can’t it be your romantic partner?
Considering the staggering number of women who get murdered by either their families or intimate partners, none of those assholes can be trusted. Besides, the whole point of a literal blood sister is that she’s around for when you snap and kill your lover. Maybe it’s because he put another plastic bag in the recycling…or some other completely legitimate reason. Look ladies, I don’t know why you did it. I’m just telling you to find someone helpful who won’t care that you did.
3. How do I go about confirming that I have a friend like this? What is the proper etiquette for proposing this type of relationship to my potential bury-a-body friend?
Apparently, WhatsApp messages are fine for asking these sorts of questions of unsuspecting pals. Maybe choose an encrypted messaging app if you’re speaking less in hypotheticals and more in the sense of “oh shit, I hope so-and-so is my gal because I’m gonna need her to get over here with those garbage bags pretty quickly.” Might I also suggest a payphone? They still have them in Cleveland, if you happen to be in the area.
Beyond the method of contacting your bury-a-body friend, I recommend being straightforward and picking someone organized, detail-oriented and a tiny bit dead inside. It should go without saying, but select a buddy who has been in the mix for a while. This is not the time to take your friendship with Suzy from pottery class to the next level. Maybe also choose someone that has entrusted you with a secret of their own. Mutually assured destruction can be a real lifesaver in the event that someone seems unable to hold up their end of the deal. Ultimately, you’ll want to go with your gut. Don’t overthink it.
Then, broach the topic with the person as soon as possible. There’s not really a graceful way to bring it up, so go all in. You might even consider sharing this post with them as a means of breaking the ice and gauging interest. If your friend is alienated by your request, she’s clearly not your girl. And while we’re on the topic, you might even need to get your actual bury-a-body friend to help you fully eliminate her as an option. Again, just spit balling here.
Welp, I think that about covers it! Best of luck in connecting with a true blue BFF (bury-a-body friend forever). May you never need to call her to help you cover up a murder. May she always be ready if you ever do.
With pleasure,
Yes, Misstrix
P.S. Please note that I’m not an available BFF option. J. made my entire month my telling me that I would be hers, and unlike S., I can’t commit to multitasking.
P.P.S. The Unleash Your Inner Writer Workshop will be held on September 7, 2023, at 6:30 pm Central Time. If you’re interested, please save the date. I will have more details for you next week, and I look forward to sharing them with you then!