A Mildly Successful Vacation with a Toddler in Tow
What happens in Miami Beach… gets reported right here.
Here’s a futile thought to have as a parent: “This vacation would be so much more enjoyable if my toddler weren’t here.”
It’s probably true to a certain extent. You wouldn’t be beholden to nap times and snack schedules and meltdowns about not being allowed to run directly into traffic. You certainly wouldn’t spend 37 minutes applying sunscreen to a wriggly monster, followed by another 18 shoving said wiggle beast into a swim diaper, bathing suit, long-sleeved sun shirt and wide-brimmed hat only to spend approximately 5 seconds at the pool before the demon that replaced your child is over it and wants to sit in the air conditioned room and read “Love Makes a Family,” which, in light of the ordeal you just went through in the name of sunburn prevention, is a book you have begun to suspect may be sending the wrong messages about both love and family.
But to be fair to a small human who spent a lot of time sunning and sanding and trying to behave in a highchair while her parents ate paella, Miami Beach is, as advertised, not for toddlers. I’m fairly certain that when you try to book a plane ticket for a two-year-old to Miami International Airport, the airlines gently suggest you try Orlando instead. I ignored these nudges. I wanted to experience Miami Beach, and I wasn’t about to let this kid ruin my travel plans, especially since she was one of the primary reasons I needed said beach vacation.
Now, if you’re wondering why Miami Beach isn’t the locale du jour for people with toddlers, here’s a real thought I had our first day out in the world: “There are a lot of hookers in Miami Beach.” Turns out, there’s probably just an average number of hookers in Miami Beach. There just also happens to be a lot of people who walk around wearing lace-up platform heels at 8 in the morning or stand in sequined Speedos drinking Miller Genuine Draft from a can outside a hotel where, sure, I guess it really is 5 o’clock somewhere, but that place isn’t Miami Beach, where a family of three is heading back to their hotel after an early breakfast.
When that dude looked upon me with pity because my child, who was chock full of pancakes, happens to be an Aries who got too temperature hot and was now shriek-broadcasting the consequences of having allowed that to happen for what felt like the entire length of Collins Avenue, I felt confident returning the look. MGD at this hour? I think that’s the bigger issue here.
Besides, one of the tenets of my personal brand of parenting is that I do not give a fuck if you want my toddler around. I don’t care if you want to sit near a child on a plane, just as I don’t care if you want to sit by a kid at a restaurant. Children of all ages exist in the world. They eat. They travel. They rail against the humidity in Miami Beach. If you’re an adult human who also exists in the world, you’re inevitably going to have to share space with a toddler, and when that experience sometimes goes sideways, you’re just going to have to get over it. I’m not going to apologize for spending my time, energy and resources on adventures that expose my child to a wide range of cultures and cuisines, places and people. I think these experiences will make her a better, less entitled, more compassionate human in the long run. I’m committed to the bit.
And if that means a few people have to get hit with kid-sized purple sparkle Crocs when the toddler-demon loses her mind and chucks a shoe or two because R. won’t let her board a flight to San Juan, so be it. I mean, I will apologize to innocent bystanders for that one. The themes from “Kindness Makes Us Strong” are not totally sinking in for the Bean just yet. We’re still working on kindness, emotional regulation and not behaving as if we are the center of the universe. She’s not the only one. Based on what I’ve witnessed from adults in airports, a lot of other people are still working on mastering those same skills.
I digress. Though the madness of bringing a toddler to Miami Beach makes for a more compelling recap of our time in the Sunshine State, it isn’t the full story. Would the vacation have been more relaxed without her? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean it would have been more enjoyable
After we finally convinced the child that she could not swim (and therefore could not be dropped in the middle of the Gulf as requested), she began embracing the floaty. Some of our loveliest moments where jumping waves as she bobbed up and down and laughed maniacally. She even got the serious man in a straw hat and white sun shirt giggling along with her. Twice while lounging in the kiddie pool, I looked over to see the Bean sitting cross-legged, palms up on her knees, eyes closed in meditation. That made the entire trip worth it. We won some, and we lost some, but I still think we came out ahead.
Would I recommend taking your toddler to Miami Beach? Not really. It’s overpriced, and while my kid loves to party, she’s not old enough to go clubbing. The food was not as good as I’d hoped. It takes a lot of sunscreen not to fry your Beans (which is both a truism and a euphemism, thank you for asking).
Honestly, I don’t know that I’d recommend Miami Beach as a vacation destination for couples either. To me, it reads like a hub for singles, a great spot for bachelor and bachelorette celebrations, or a place where you’d bring girl friends (or guy friends) when you want to get some “me” time away from your significant other.
There are some bright sides, though, even for families. I loved that the beaches were gorgeous and shallow for a long stretch. I was grateful for the warm, clear water. I liked that our hotel had both an adult pool and a kid’s one. Everywhere we went (miraculously) could accommodate a stroller.
If my toddler were a bit older, we might have had more success being out and about for more than two hours before the proverbial shit hit the industrial-sized fan just outside the hotel restaurant. Alas, you live, and you learn. You travel, and you learn more. You blink and the kid who couldn’t keep it together on Collins Avenue doesn’t want to vacation with you at all. A gentleman I met at the Alchemize Retreat said it best: “One day, I’ll miss this.”
In the meantime, I’m taking the good with the bad. I’m taking the fun, funny and joyful alongside the challenging, irritating and embarrassing. I’m taking risks in the form of adventures. And I’m taking my toddler with me whenever I can.
With pleasure,
Bored Aquarian
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Here's to many more vacations with "the Bean."